


let it resonate

by autisticlalna (mathonwys)



Series: casting a shadow (Shadow People AU) [12]
Category: Hermitcraft
Genre: (or pretty dang close), Abandoned Shadows AU, Accidental Trauma, Deal with a Devil, Gen, Living Shadows, Panic Attacks, Shadoc uses ASL, Shadoc yells at a god and it goes better than expected?, Shadow People AU, Strong Language, Temporary Character Death, discussion of past trauma, enclosed spaces / being trapped, liminal weirdness, mentions of abandonment, vague drowning metaphors
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-19
Updated: 2019-11-19
Packaged: 2021-02-13 09:48:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,534
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21492316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mathonwys/pseuds/autisticlalna
Summary: "What do you want, little shadow?""I... I want..."Shadoc was given a choice. When he's given the opportunity to change his mind-- to give another answer-- he needs to decide what he really, truly wants.(written for the Shadow People AU by mine-sara-sp on tumblr!)
Series: casting a shadow (Shadow People AU) [12]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1522271
Comments: 2
Kudos: 48





	1. static

**Author's Note:**

> so a LOT has been happening in the shadow people au lately.
> 
> a quick recap: when a shadow dies enough times, they get powerful enough to develop a power tailored to what they want. Killjoy gained the ability to control people, Jigsaw gained the ability to duplicate himself, Apex gained the ability to track people down, and Shadoc gained the ability to overload+detonate redstone. except its now been established that its not really just an extension of their evolution gimmick, but also something granted to them by an extremely powerful shadow that is... baaaasically the Shadowlands itself?
> 
> @betweenlands on tumblr wrote some really good fics about it, including Killjoy's encounter with the "old shadows", and... i got inspired. a lot.
> 
> this fic is split up into 2 parts: the first chapter takes place during How To Kill A Shadow, and the second and third chapters are in the Abandoned Shadows AU, aka Season 7. so, like, a pretty big timeskip.
> 
> this first chapter is also a retelling of this comic i did:  
https://autisticlalna.tumblr.com/post/189066146351/are-you-listening-are-you-listening

*** Docm77 summoned their shadow** ****  
*** Docm77’s shadow tried to swim in lava** ****  
*** Docm77 summoned their shadow** ****  
*** Docm77’s shadow fell from a high place** ****  
*** Docm77 summoned their shadow** ****  
*** Docm77’s shadow exploded** ****  
*** Docm77 summoned their shadow** ****  
*** Docm77 summoned their shadow** ****  
*** Docm77 summoned their shadow** **  
** *** Docm77— **

-

He was standing in flat darkness.

It was like he’d gone blind. Maybe he had. Everything still  _ hurt _ , echoes upon echoes of pain, making him feel like he’d been ripped apart— and, in some cases, he had. He still felt the searing burning, still felt the crushing pressure, still felt the slashes of a sword, still felt the trident, still felt, still felt, still felt, still

There was no visible floor under him, just more darkness, but he collapsed down onto it anyway. Sobs wracked his body as tears spilled out, feeling unending, as everything engulfed him like he was falling beneath the waves again, except maybe this time he wouldn’t resurface, maybe this time was it, maybe this time it was  _ over _ and he didn’t know if that was supposed to be good or bad. Pathetic and broken, Doc’s shadow couldn’t do anything but cry in the blank emptiness.

** _What do you want, little shadow?_ **

The voice came from everywhere and nowhere. It was echoing around him, echoing through him, both something he heard and something he spoke. The question rushed through him, deep down inside him, filling his mind and wiping out every single thought. There was nothing but the voice, nothing but the question, nothing but the answer.

His voice broke as he tried to speak, tried to reply. The voice made a sound like a cluck of disapproval.  ** _You’re overdue. You passed the point about, oh, five or ten deaths ago… but now your summoner is busy. Now we can finally _ ** ** _talk_ ** ** _._ **

The shadow cracked his eyes open just the tiniest bit, vision still blurred beyond recognition by tears. Kneeling in front of him is a jet-black shape, looking less like a shadow and more like someone had cut a hole out in reality, wisps of that same darker-than-dark trailing off to warp the silhouette. But, despite that, there’s no mistaking it: two glowing yellow eyes, a torn lab coat ruffled by a non-existent breeze, a clawed robotic arm resting on his shoulder and drumming gently with its fingers.

It’s himself.

It’s his summoner.

He can’t move. Can’t think. Every part of him is screaming  _ attack _ , every part of him is screaming  _ run _ , instincts jumbling into a frantic nightmare that locks him in place. The wide white smile on the void-that-talks’s face falls into… disappointment? Disapproval? Pity? He can’t tell. Its mouth doesn’t move when it speaks, when the voice resonates through him, but this time the words are like static, like white noise, meaningless and broken apart. All he can think is  _ he’s going to die again _ , either at the hands of this entity or at the hands of his summoner as soon as he’s pulled back into the Overworld, and the thought crushes him.

Another hand claps down on his shoulder and squeezes, ripping him back to the here and now. His eyes widen as the figure leans in closer, as the claws of the mechanical hand slip under his chin and lift his head up to look the entity in the eyes. It says a name— his name, he thinks, but he doesn’t  _ have _ one, he hasn’t done anything but get summoned and die and die and die, but the voice says a name and he feels it deep inside him like its  _ his _ — it says his name and the static goes away.

** _What do you want, little shadow?_ **

The question hooks inside him, claws rummaging around to find the answer, and pulls it out. Words spill out of him, overlapping, a chorus of voices tangled into an incoherent mess as every thought he’s ever had, every wish he’s ever had, every want and need and desperate plea erupts out to fill the void. The emptiness around him lurches as he collapses back down to the floor, as he raises his arms over his head, as he braces himself— but, no, he doesn’t, he doesn’t move, he’s still sitting there on hands and knees with the void-that-asks holding him still.

** _I see._ ** The void tilts his head to the side a little, like its examining something interesting— like how his summoner looked at him the first time he’d been claimed.  ** _Let’s try that again. What do you want, little shadow?_ **

This time, when he responds, it’s more coherent. There’s still overlapping sentences, still his voice echoing and folding over itself, but this time he can hear himself: _ I don’t want to die. I don’t want to be hurt anymore. I don’t want to be trapped anymore. I want it to stop. _

He swallows, throat tight, and tries again. His voice— a single voice,  _ his _ voice, the he that he is— is weak, is broken, is a stuttering mess, syllables repeating, words slurred, too quiet to be heard, but somehow the words come out anyway, feeling less like they’re being spoken by him and more like they  _ are  _ him: “ **I… I want…** “ The abyss waits. He struggles to collect himself, struggles to find the answer, struggles to find the thread in the middle of the knot. “ **I want it to stop…** “

** _NO._ **

He’s not sure where it comes from. It’s not the void, it’s  _ him _ — but it’s a part of him he doesn’t understand, didn’t know he had, that tears itself out of him like a feral animal, raw fury, raw _ hurt _ , like a wildfire igniting and burning him to ashes. It leaves him reeling, leaves his head throbbing; all he can feel is the fire, feel the answer, feel his response as he forces each word out.

“ **I want…** “

Images flicker through his head, overlaid, overlapping: the summoning, the death, the tests, the smile on his summoner’s face, the pain, death after death after death, machine after machine after machine, trap after trap after trap, powerless, helpless, but— 

—but not anymore. All he has to do is say the words, say the answer, and he won’t be afraid anymore. He won’t be hurt anymore.

“ **I want to destroy it. All of it.** ” The words are harsh, heavy with resentment. “ **Everything my summoner has built, everything he uses to hurt me… I want to destroy all of it.** ”

The void seemed… surprised. Like it had been expecting a different answer. He stared it down, unblinking; slowly, the grin spread onto its face, cracking apart to reveal rows after rows of sharp white teeth.

** _I think I understand. _ **

The void stood up, and he found himself doing the same without putting any thought behind the motion. His mirror stalked around him, hands behind its back, head tilted back as it spoke, occasionally casting glances at him to check his expression.  ** _Everything that ever hurt you, you want to reduce to rubble. You want to become a force of nature, something for people to fear. You don’t just want your summoner to not be able to trap you, you want him to regret trying in the first place. _ ** It looked him over with a critical eye.  ** _Is that right?_ **

Was that right?

He didn’t respond. Did he want that? Did he want to hurt? Did he want to destroy? Thoughts filled his head of consequences, of fear, of disaster, of every way this could go wrong, of… 

But… the image of tearing down everything Doc made, of his terrified face as everything comes crashing down, of raw  _ power _ blazing through him, of never being in danger again… 

He gave a small, jerky nod, more like a twitch than anything else. The darkness hummed.

** _I need you to _ ** ** _say_ ** ** _ it, little shadow. Is this the power you want?_ **

His voice is fragile, but his reply feels deafeningly loud.

“ **Yes.** ”

The darkness turned to face him. He met its gaze, steeled himself, convinced himself this was the right choice,  _ this was what he wanted.  _ It had to be, right? That was the only explanation he had for that feeling, for that anger, for correcting himself— this  _ had _ to be what he wanted. There would be downsides, he could feel it, but… it would be worth it.

And, besides, he couldn’t back out now either way. Not when the void extended a hand to him, expectant.  ** _You want to _ ** ** _destroy_ ** ** _, little shadow,_ ** the abyss said.  ** _And I’ll give that to you._ **

There was a pause. A part of him hesitated— it felt like the void was still giving him one last chance, one last  _ are you sure, _ before Doc’s shadow shoved that feeling aside, shoved his reservations aside, and took its hand.

It started slow, like his arm was going numb, like pins and needles. He gritted his teeth as the feeling escalated, passing through him, static filling his head; the power resonated through him, overriding everything, everything drowned out by a glitchy static hum that got louder—

—and then everything fell apart around him as he felt his summoner call, as the abyss looked at him with an unreadable expression, as the encounter faded from his memory.

-

*** Docm77 summoned their shadow**

-

The first thing he saw when he climbed out of his summoner’s shadow— the first thing he always saw— was Doc’s face. The cyborg creeper was grinning, visibly excited, as he watched his pathetic mess of a shadow take form; his expression burned into him, layered on top of the various other repeated memories of that identical grin, of that identical excitement, of Doc being excited to  _ watch him die _ .

His foot caught on the tripwire as he steadied himself. He barely had any time to react, barely had any time to emote, before he heard the far-too-familiar sound of a piston retracting; he wanted to scream, wanted to do  _ anything _ , but before he could even reach out to his summoner he was dropped down out of sight.

_ No. No no no no no. Not again. No, no, not again… _

He landed at the bottom of the contraption in a messy heap. Pain shot through him, but the fall wasn’t enough to kill on its own; the hermits had found out from Doc’s testing on him that shadows couldn’t fly, so all Doc needed to do to trap him was drop him down a hole to hold him until the actual mechanism fired. He balled up, hoping that at least this time maybe it would be quicker, that maybe this time Doc had found a way for it to be painless.  _ No no no no no. _ He didn’t want this, he wanted it to stop,  _ he didn’t want to die—  _

It was like something was knotted up tight inside him, like something in him was starting to crack, like he was a high-tension wire. It  _ hurt,  _ in a different way than the drop had: a burning feeling in his chest, increasing with his panic. Injured and afraid, he started to cry, pleading for something, anything, someone, anyone to hear him— “ ** _please, I don’t want to die”_ ** — until his panic reached a fever-pitch and the painful  _ something _ in him finally broke.

The triangle particles surrounding him jittered and flickered, erratic, like a glitchy snowstorm. A static hum filled his ears, mixing with his repetition, drowning everything out; he focused on it, focused on the feeling, hoping that it  _ meant _ something, hoping that this wasn’t the end, hoping that maybe he’d survive this time.

On the other side of the obsidian surrounding him, the redstone making up the death trap sparked and shorted out.

He didn’t realize he was still alive until the sound of his summoner breaking through the obsidian snapped him to awareness. He looked up, eyes wide, as Doc looked down at him with a mix of shock and pity; he flinched away, pressing up against one of the walls, as the hermit took a step through the opening. Had he changed his mind? Was he going to kill him himself? He didn’t dare look away, didn’t dare to move, as Doc put his pickaxe away and held his hands up. There was no way to escape— Doc was between him and the exit, and even if he dove into the shadows he wasn’t sure he’d be able to make it far without his summoner hunting him down.

“I’m not going to hurt you,” Doc said slowly and carefully. “I’m letting you out. Come on. Let’s go.” His shadow stared up at him, disbelieving. No, that… that couldn’t be right. That didn’t make any  _ sense _ . This— this had to be a trick, had to be a way for Doc to get him out of the broken trap so he could try a new one, had to be… He shook his head and mouthed ‘no’, his voice refusing to work. No. No no no. Doc sighed, sounding existentially tired. “It’s safe now. I’m not going to kill you. Let’s go.”

No. No no no. He was too scared to move, too scared to do anything. He should’ve felt relief, should’ve been happy at Doc’s words, but somehow he was even  _ more _ afraid. This felt  _ wrong.  _ He’d spent so long dying and being killed at Doc’s hands that the very concept of it  _ not happening anymore _ was completely alien.

Doc waited, then braced himself and stepped closer. The instant he reached out to him, his shadow  _ screamed.  _ It ripped its way out of him, high-pitched and panicked, loud enough to hurt his own ears; Doc stumbled back, knocked off-balance from shock, as his shadow scrunched up tighter into a ball and hoped he’d just  _ leave,  _ that this would be  _ over _ , he just wanted this to be over— “ **G-Get away from me—! Don’t hurt me!** ”

“I’m…” He didn’t see the look of regret on Doc’s face, didn’t see the hermit back up. “I’m… I’m going to go get help.” He didn’t show any signs of a reaction. There was silence for a few long moments, then the sound of rockets and an elytra deploying echoed through the chamber; he covered his ears and flinched away, but when he opened his eyes again Doc was gone.

He was alone.


	2. something's gotta change

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> an actual note from my outline:
> 
> "- levia is here! hi levia. he doesnt really do anything major but he's here. ilu levia"  
(except then levia DID do something major and is the main reason this fic is three chapters instead of two. thanks, leviathan.)
> 
> i just... really wanted to write supportive levia? ive been reading Green-T-ea's fic "Calm Before The Storm" which is like, entirely the creeper shadows being bros, and it just makes me really happy............. so yeah we're in Season 7 now. huge timeskip! and also basically noncanon to the main Shadow People AU because Abandoned Shadows is a spinoff. if i keep writing S7 stuff ill probably make a separate ao3 series for it lmao
> 
> speaking of CBTS, this fic takes place before chapter 3 of that fic! so if you've read CBTS, this should give some context to what's up with Shadoc in that fic.
> 
> god i love leviathan.

Things had been getting weird in Season 7.

Shadoc wasn’t really sure how it was  _ supposed _ to go. The hermits had apparently moved worlds a grand total of seven times now, with people leaving or joining their ranks; groups he had taken for granted would split up or reform, alliances would shift, and the end result was something both different and familiar. To tell the truth, it scared him a little. What if those changes included him, too? What if the hermits moved on without him— they’d already left him behind once, after all, so what if they did that again? What if even Murmur and Solo and Phas decided they were more interested in new shadows, new friends, new areas to explore and make themselves at home in?

That fear had only gotten worse when Doc had told him about the new shadows. About how he had tried summoning him the instant he and Mumbo had crossed over to the new server and found the temple, and how he’d ended up with a furious shadow that didn’t remember him and certainly wasn’t Shadoc. About how  _ all _ the new shadows were different. It had alleviated a little when Doc made it clear that he’d wanted  _ him _ and not a different shadow, that he didn’t want to resummon it until he knew Shadoc was safe and sound, but it still lurked in the back of his mind: the threat of being replaced by a shadow that wasn’t a broken mess.

Doc had to summon his new shadow again eventually, though. And Shadoc had been  _ terrified _ . It was like him, but not— raw confidence, raw energy, unchecked, volatile, his face but not his personality. The manic grin it nearly-always sported reminded him too much of Doc— not the Doc he knew now, but the Doc he knew  _ before, _ the Doc that had experimented on him, the Doc that had killed him— and on his bad days he still would flinch and cower if the new shadow spoke a little too loudly, got a little too enthusiastic, got a little too close to him.

This wasn’t one of those days, though. Leviathan was sitting next to him, an arm draped around his shoulders, and singing with boundless passion (and very little volume control).

“ ** _It’s gonna take a lot to take me awaaayyyy from youuuuuu!_ ** ”

Shadoc cracked a smile he didn’t bother to hide as his… brother, he supposed, belted out one of the many songs he apparently had memorized. It had been… weird? unexpected? when he’d first heard the aggressive shadow singing something catchy while hard at work building redstone mechanisms he didn’t dare go near, but now the sound of Levia’s voice was reassuring and grounding, something he held onto like a lifeline.

“ ** _Gonna make some time to do the things we never haaa~aaa~aaave!_ ** ”

“ **H-Hey, Levia?** ” Shadoc cut in before he could find another song to yell (preferably not one of the ones he was already having trouble getting out of his head). Leviathan paused, mouth hanging open, then closed it to look at him with an eyebrow raised. “ **It’s a… a bit of a weird question, but…** “ He interlinked his fingers where his hands rested in his lap. “ **What… what do you think about the, um. The— The— The other shadows? From… from here. From this server.** ”

Leviathan cocked his head to one side. “ **What, like Tripwire?** ” Shadoc hesitated, then shook his head. Leviathan adjusted how he was sitting so that he was facing him more, still keeping his arm resting on Shadoc’s shoulders, and furrowed his brow. “ **…Like Puzzler?** ” A nod. Leviathan wrinkled his nose in distaste and drew his lips back in a snarl without thinking about it; Shadoc froze at the other shadow’s sudden mood shift, the fearful part of his mind yelling  _ flight _ even though he knew Leviathan wouldn’t hurt him. The fearful look on his face snapped Leviathan out of it, and his expression softened as he moved back to give Shadoc a little space until they both calmed down. “ **Sorry. He’s… Ugh.** ” He made a displeased face. “ **He’s… a creep, putting it lightly. Thinks he’s a gift to the server, only cares about his stupid empire thing… It’ll be fun when he finally ticks someone off and gets what’s coming to him.** ” Leviathan snorted.

Shadoc rubbed one thumb against another. “ **I don’t like him either,** ” he admitted. “ **I… I thought Jigsaw was… bad, but… but this is different.** ” He could feel Leviathan’s eyes on him as he ran a hand along his forearm; the golden cracks had long since healed, but sometimes he could still feel the itchy feeling of the lightning scars criss-crossing his skin. “ **…it feels like… like something is ** ** _wrong_ ** **. With— With all the—** ” He cut himself off, suddenly aware of his company. Leviathan stuck his tongue out a little.

“ **With all the new shadows?** ” he finished for him, teasing. “ **No, I see where you’re coming from. It sounds like things were less… ** ** _chaotic_ ** ** in the old world.** ” Shadoc nodded. Leviathan scooted closer to him again; Shadoc didn’t protest as his twin leaned against him with a playful grin. “ **But, hey, from my perspective? Some of you guys are weird too. Seriously, what’s up with the one with the sword?** ”

“ **Which one?** ” Shadoc answered automatically. Leviathan snorted with laughter, and after a moment of embarrassment Shadoc joined in with a quiet chuckle. “ **N-No, really, there’s… there’s a few.** ” That earned another laugh from Leviathan and he cracked a smile; now that he put it like that, Leviathan definitely had a point.

“ **The one with the visor,** ” he clarified, miming lowering a visor over his eyes. Shadoc stiffened for a moment as he made the connection. None of his encounters with that shadow had been good… but the same could be said for most entities, players and shadows alike, that he hunted down. “ **Apex, I think? Doesn’t talk much, tries to be dramatic.** ”

“ **Killjoy’s more dramatic, I think,** ” Shadoc countered. “ **He— D-Did I tell you he… he did a villain monologue at me? Like… L-Like with an evil laugh and everything..?** ”

Leviathan looked like he wasn’t sure if he should be confused or impressed. “ ** _Really?_ ** ” Shadoc nodded. “ **Wow.** ” He whistled. There was always so much history behind all of the interactions with the Season 6 shadows; Shadoc had been doing his best to fill Leviathan in when he could, but he never considered himself good at explaining any of it when for some parts of it you needed a graph and a lot of patience. It didn’t help that he’d kept to himself with the exception of Murmur and occasional interactions with Solo and Phas, up until the hermits had left… “ **You know him?** ”

Shadoc played with the hem of his lab coat as he thought about it. “ **Not… not well,** ” he confessed. “ **We’ve… we’ve talked? But he was always… strange. Focused. I… I don’t think he… really cared that much about things that weren’t… related to his goals… but. He was. Nice? I think?** ” He gave a tiny shrug. “ **But… he mainly just cared about getting stronger. To protect his summoner, I think.** ”

“ **I can relate to that,** ” Leviathan said with a toothy grin. Shadoc made a startled noise as Leviathan wrapped his mechanical arm around him and squeezed him close to his side; he didn’t fight against it, though, even if his initial instinct was to squirm a little. “ **I guess that explains why he’s making friends with Zed’s shadow.** ”

Shadoc squinted. “ **Merino? Or— no, the… the new one?** ” He’d heard rumours of Zedaph’s new shadow. Pretty much everyone on the server had. Zedaph had done…  _ something _ … and ended up with a glitched-out shadow that seemed content to do its own thing, whatever that was. He’d never really seen it, only heard of it, but it wasn’t something he wanted to cross paths with any time soon.

It was bad enough with Puzzler around. Now, with Zedaph’s new shadow, it felt like the server was gearing up for a war and everyone was caught in the middle.

“ **—gives me the creeps,** ” Leviathan said, and Shadoc realized he’d been talking the entire time. “ **From what I heard from Tripwire, Puzzler’s not the only one going around offering power in exchange for loyalty.** ” He scowled. Server politics weren’t something either of them had much interest in, but it was getting harder to ignore as the days went by. “ **Sounds like Apex and Killjoy took it up on the offer… and it sounds like it’s trying to build an ** ** _army_ ** **.** ”

“ **Mm.** ” Shadoc drew his knees close to his chest. The concept of more shadows with powers made him uneasy. He knew he wasn’t the only one— even though he didn’t know the details, there was no way Killjoy and Apex  _ hadn’t _ ended up with a power on the old server with how often they’d died— but Jigsaw’s own power made him downright horrendous to deal with, and… and that wasn’t even getting into his own. That wasn’t even getting into the buzzing static, into the electricity under his skin, into the feeling of being a ticking time bomb… 

It was always there. It was always in the background of his mind, always resting in his chest, always a presence he couldn’t ignore for almost as long as he’d existed. It was raw power, compressed tight inside him, and all he needed to do was panic, all he needed to do was slip, all he needed to do was lose control and it would erupt out of him and tear everything apart. If he was lucky, he could get calmed down before he did anything worse than burn out a redstone component. If he wasn’t… he could get people hurt. He could get people  _ killed _ .

Doc had called him a redstone EMP. Jigsaw had called him a detonator.

“ **Shadoc,** ” Leviathan said gently, breaking through the noise in his brain. The flickering particles around him settled back down as the tension crackling through him eased; guilt welled up inside him, crushing him, and Shadoc shut his eyes tight and hid his face behind his arms even as Leviathan pulled him into a hug. “ **Hey. Hey, it’s gonna be okay. They’re not gonna mess with you if they know what’s good for them.** ”

“ **It’s…** ” Shadoc hesitated. “ **It’s… it’s not… it’s… it’s not that.** ” Leviathan waited as Shadoc started his count—  _ one, two, three, four, _ although even that could be an issue now, even that could bring up memories of Jigsaw, of the scars, of losing control— until he was able to speak more clearly. “ **I was thinking about… about…** “ He tapped his chest, words failing him. “ **…about… me. My power.** ” He hated even just saying it, hated even acknowledging it existed.

Leviathan rested his hands on Shadoc’s shoulders and pushed him away a little so he could look him in the eye. “ **What about it?** ” he asked, voice gentle. Shadoc wanted to look away, wanted to hide, but forced himself to meet Leviathan’s gaze. His mirror image looked worried in a way that was achingly familiar; he’d seen that look on so many other faces, all of it directed towards him. It was a protective worry, mixed with pity: they saw him hurt and wanted to help him fix it, except this time he wasn’t sure if it  _ could _ be fixed.

The words were hard to find, hard to string together. “ **I… I was thinking about… how much of a ** ** _problem_ ** ** it is,** ” Shadoc forced out, trying to hold back tears. “ **All I’ve… all I’ve really done with it is— is— is ruin everything. I’m… I can’t…** “

“ **Don’t say that,** ” Leviathan said, his tone firm. “ **Sure, maybe you didn’t draw the best card, but that’s ** ** _not your fault_ ** **. You just… wanted to keep yourself safe. And maybe that didn’t work out as planned, but you can’t blame yourself for that, okay?** ”

“ **But I can’t even help you with your machines—** “ Shadoc protested. Leviathan put a hand on his face to muffle him. He kept trying to talk anyway, before giving up once it became clear that Leviathan wasn’t going to let him.

“ **I don’t care,** ” Leviathan stressed. “ **Sure, maybe it sucks that you keep blowing stuff up, but I don’t ** ** _care_ ** **. You have your power for a reason, and I understand that! You just… get scared, and things happen. It’s not your fault. If anything, it’s ** ** _mine_ ** ** when I slip up and don’t think too clearly about if it’s safe for you or not.** ” 

_ I break your things, _ Shadoc signed, hands shaky, before Leviathan interrupted him by gently grabbing him by the wrists. He gave him a distraught look, then realized he was able to speak out loud again and gave it a shot. “ **You… you always w-work so hard on, on everything, and I… And I… I can’t even g-go near them or help at all… You have to keep r-rebuilding stuff because of me…** “ 

“ **I care more about my brother’s safety,** ” Leviathan said, speaking each word as clearly as possible, “ **than I do about ** ** _any_ ** ** of my traps.** ” Shadoc stuttered, words failing to form; Leviathan’s expression softened as he let go of his wrists to instead rest his hands on his shoulders again. “ **I don’t mind going out of my way, I don’t mind accommodating you— it’s just the right thing to do. You need it, so I give it.** ”

Shadoc broke eye contact. “ **You shouldn’t have to,** ” he mumbled. “ **You shouldn’t…** “

“ **It’s not a matter of ** ** _have_ ** ** to. I ** ** _want_ ** ** to,** ” Leviathan reminded him. “ **Shadoc, I want you to be safe. More than anything. I just… I just want to see you safe and happy.** ” He paused, letting his words sink in. “ **You’ve been through a lot. If I can make it hurt less, then I will.** ” Shadoc allowed him to circle him in a warm hug; he closed his eyes, tears still threatening to spill, and listened as Leviathan started to hum a tune. His voice washed over him, drowning out the panic, drowning out the fear, drowning out everything but the lyrics he sang:

“ ** _C’mon sea legs, pull yourself together / You’re gonna have to learn to like the rocking of the waves, whatever / C’mon now! It’s not meant to be easy / but you’re not gonna spend your life being sick over the side…_ ** “

Shadoc sighed as the impromptu song came to a close. He could still feel the uncomfortable stinging warmth in his chest, the static running through him, but it was less intense now. Never gone forever, but at least held at bay until he broke again. It was background noise, a low hum at the edge of his hearing, that followed him no matter what until it became deafening, all-consuming, and he woke up to find himself surrounded by rubble and wreckage with someone— Murmur, usually, or Leviathan, sometimes Doc— kneeling down next to him and trying to snap him out of it. It was part of him, a reflection of what he’d wanted, about what he’d thought he’d needed, until Stress had pulled him out of the trap and into the outside world. Until he met Murmur. Until the first time Doc hugged him and he realized he didn’t need to be afraid all the time anymore. Until he met Leviathan— met the real him behind his aggressive nature, met the loud shadow that would gladly sacrifice himself for him ten times over like Murmur would.

Shadoc knew that things could only go on like this for so long, though. Eventually things would escalate and Leviathan or Murmur would get hurt, or the rest of the hermits would discover the truth behind the mysteriously-destroyed redstone, or he would become too much of a burden for anyone to care for anymore, and… and then he didn’t know what. It had been looming over him ever since Sahara, ever since the first time he’d well and truly lost control. He couldn’t deal with being abandoned again, couldn’t deal with being killed again, but the threat was there, burning in the back of his head, burning in his chest.

That couldn’t be how things ended, though. Things didn’t have to keep going on this path. Leviathan had told him about Puzzler— about how the winged shadow had offered a deal, had offered him everything, for the price of complete obedience, and how his brother had declined by dropping him down a hidden pit. About how Joyful had been given a  _ gift _ . Shadoc wasn’t stupid. There was no way he was going to seek out Grian’s new shadow, not when his previous shadow had hurt him so badly, not when his reputation included manipulation and punishing anyone that didn’t follow his plans… 

_ Puzzler’s not the only one going around offering power in exchange for loyalty. _

Leviathan was talking, maybe telling a story, but none of his words reached Shadoc. Thoughts kept running through his head, chasing in circles, looping endlessly, as he realized he had an option. As he realized that, maybe, the option had been in front of him the entire time. That maybe the problem he’d been struggling with all his life, the problem that separated him from everyone he cared about, the problem that made him a burden on everyone around him,  _ could  _ be fixed after all.

Something needed to change.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the songs Levia was singing:
> 
> \- Africa by Toto  
\- C'mon Sea Legs by Immaculate Machine


	3. resonate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> JUST LET IT RESONATE, WE CALL IT SUFFERING / TRYING TO FORGET THE THINGS WE COULD'VE SAID--
> 
> fun fact about Abandoned Shadows: Zedaph managed to completely break the game to the point of causing, like, at least TWO integer overflows and summoned the actual goddamn abyss as his Season 7 shadow 'cause like, way to go Zed. proud of you. obviously no one's really sure how to feel about this, but... he's pretty chill, as long as you're not buddy-buddy with Grian's Season 7 shadow.
> 
> he also has a new hobby of wandering around the server and boosting shadows he likes as long as they agree to help him kick Puzzler's ass.
> 
> MAJOR THANKS TO SOLAR @BETWEENLANDS FOR HELP WITH WRITING ABYSS AND ALSO THANK YOU FOR SAYING I DID A GOOD JOB :keralisweep:

Shadoc wasn’t really sure how he expected this to play out.

The idea made sense on paper: he’d go to Zedaph’s base, knock on the door, and politely ask  _ hey, can I talk to your shadow? Not Merino, I mean the living glitch that Xisuma keeps worrying will crash the server _ . Not exactly the most dramatic way to go about it, but Shadoc was tired of dramatics. He just wanted to talk to Zedaph’s new shadow, figure things out, then…

Well. Then things would be better, theoretically. Then he’d be able to go to Mumbo’s base, or Doc’s, or anywhere on the server, really, without being afraid that even just the sound of a piston door or a block-swapper for a water elevator would kick him into fight-or-flight. Then he could finally be around Murmur or Leviathan without the hanging fear that he’d get overwhelmed and lash out and destroy everything. Then his trauma wouldn’t have lethal consequences.

Shadoc had encountered the first flaw in his plan, though. Hermits and shadows alike had already spread out across the map, building bases and drafting plans, long before he set foot on the server. He knew the locations of some of the bases, specifically the ones belonging to his summoner and his friends— kind of a necessity, seeing as he lived with most of them— but as he stood scanning the spawn area, taking note of the since-abandoned starter houses, he realized a very important detail he hadn’t considered.

He had no idea where the hell Zedaph lived.

The shadow loitered around, aimless and embarrassed. He really should’ve thought to ask someone… but, no, he hadn’t wanted to let anyone know what he was doing. If they had objected or tried to stop him, he would’ve dropped the idea with no resistance. Shadoc couldn’t afford that. Not when this was maybe his only chance. Not when he could finally fix things. Not when he could finally fix  _ himself _ .

Leviathan would understand. Murmur would understand. Doc would understand. They’d get upset at him for going behind their backs, but… but he would come out better on the other end of this. They wouldn’t have to worry about him anymore. Everything would work out… he hoped. 

He frowned a little at the tone of his own internal monologue. Sure, he was going to make a life-changing decision, but it wasn’t like he was selling his  _ soul _ or anything.

Shadoc sighed hard as he paced another loop around spawn. He was starting to feel a bit stupid; he should’ve thought this out better, should’ve thought this through more, should’ve planned this out more than he had. Maybe he should just turn back. He could just drop by Doc’s base for a while, let him know he was okay, then maybe go seek out Admin or Solo and see if they knew… 

Shadoc shivered a little and crossed his arms as the sun sank below the horizon. Okay. If Zedaph was around here before, he definitely wasn’t now. Trying to ignore his disappointment—  _ what was he  _ ** _thinking, _ ** _ of course this wasn’t going to work, he’d just made a fool of himself for no reason _ — the creeper shadow turned to leave

and saw a pair of glowing yellow eyes shining in the darkness of the night.

** _Looking for someone?_ **

The words filled his head like a louder version of his own thoughts, like he was hearing himself speak. Shadoc stuttered, feet frozen to the ground. The eyes flickered and vanished. Maybe he was seeing things— 

Something clapped him on the shoulder. Shadoc screamed as he wrenched himself away and spun around, fist drawn back ready to punch, then locked up again as he saw those eyes far too close to him for comfort. Except it wasn’t just eyes this time: Shadoc was face-to-face with impenetrable darkness, darker than dark, like a black hole from which no light could escape shaped into a human form. It grinned, showing rows and rows of teeth—  _ white _ teeth, not yellow like a shadow’s, and somehow that stood out to him as  _ wrong wrong wrong _ — and that smile felt familiar, felt like it was trying to be disarming, felt like it was trying to wake up something in the back of his head.

This person— this entity— this shadow— felt familiar. It felt like himself, it felt like Murmur, it felt like Leviathan, it felt like Jigsaw, it felt like Solo, it felt like every shadow he knew and every shadow he was going to know. It felt ancient, not in the way that mountains or the dungeons underneath them were ancient, but  _ ancient _ like a prophecy or an old god. It felt welcoming, like he felt when he was around Leviathan, but there was something  _ else _ to it, something deeper, something more powerful, like he was only looking at a drop in a pond.

It also looked a lot like… a lot like one of the hermits. Shadoc struggled as he tried to remember which one; he never got out much, never got an opportunity to know any of the hermits outside of his immediate circle. Maybe TFC, he’s barely seen him— No, not him, he’s pretty sure TFC has a beard? Not Python, either, it had similar hair but doesn’t look snakelike at all… The name’s right there, he just… can’t place it. It kept slipping through his fingers no matter how hard he grasped for it.

His eyes widened as it hit him. It’s so obvious, he’s not sure how he missed it. It… it looked a lot like Merino.

It looked a lot like Zedaph.

Shadoc swore.

The darkness seemed pretty amused by that— its grin widened, teeth and teeth and teeth, and then it  _ laughed _ , a sound that echoed around him, echoed through him, until it cut short with no warning and left him feeling breathless.  ** _That’s a first._ ** Jet-black fingers curled around his wrist and lowered his arm to his side; Shadoc was too scared to move, too scared to fight back against the action, as the shadow’s grip released and it moved to stand beside him. He flinched at the feeling of its hand on his back as it guided him; after a slight stumble, Shadoc found himself walking side-by-side with something he definitely didn’t understand as it led him down the path he’d been lurking near.

** _So,_ ** the Abyss said,  ** _it’s been a while._ **

_ What? _

Shadoc turned his head a little to stare at it, bewildered and afraid. He was certain he’d never seen this shadow in his entire life, had never— but, no, that felt wrong as soon as he thought it. That weird little feeling in the back of his head that had sprung up once he’d first seen this entity responded, pushing back against that idea, thoughts and emotions momentarily blurring together into a mess that made him dizzy; he tried to shove it aside, tried to focus on the situation he was in, but even just looking in the direction of the limitless black, even just thinking about the hand on his back, made the feeling return tenfold.

He tried to speak and found himself unable to make a sound. It took far more effort than usual for him to move, to start signing—  _ what do you mean? _ — hands shaking so bad he wasn’t sure it was coherent. Did glitched-out shadows know ASL? Shadoc had no idea. This entire situation felt like he’d tripped and fallen into a weird liminal space, and everything he did— everything  _ it _ did— only reinforced that notion.

** _Ah, of course. _ ** It stopped, and after a moment Shadoc came to a halt as well. He gave it another confused look. It was hard to read the tone of the words inside his head, but the Abyss didn’t sound too surprised… and also that wasn’t really an answer to his question.  ** _You don’t remember._ **

“ **R- R—** “ Shadoc stuttered, trying to will his voice to work. It was hard to get his body to respond, hard to get the sounds in order, hard to do anything but stumble over the same syllable over and over like a broken record until he gave up and switched back to signing:  _ Remember what? _

All of this was familiar.

A wave of vertigo nearly knocked him over; the Abyss reached out to catch him as he stumbled, and Shadoc flinched at the touch as it held him steady. He was forgetting something. He knew it— not just because of what the other shadow had said, but because he  _ felt _ it, felt the gaping hole in his memory, felt something resisting as he pushed against it, felt like he was resting his hands on a glass wall as he tried to see through the other side at something that was  _ there _ but he just couldn’t reach it even though he kept trying.

The void spoke again, mouth unmoving, the voice resonating through him, but Shadoc didn’t hear anything but white noise. The glass under his fingers had begun to crack and break apart, emotions bleeding through,  _ memories _ bleeding through, until he pushed at the barrier as hard as he could and it shattered apart and he was falling— 

[ _ Dying. Again and again. Constant, repeating, getting dragged out into the Overworld, into bright light, only to die and get broken apart and dissolve back into the darkness. It was a constant cycle, unending, and he just wants it to stop, just wants it to—  _

** _What do you want, little shadow?_ **

_ A voice. Words. Himself, but not— a white grin, teeth, asking him a question. The answers, a thousand words overlaid and overlapping, spilling out like he’s been eviscerated, a jumbled mess, until finally he finds the right words, finds what he wants, finds _

**I… I want…**

_ Shaky words. Fear, pain, all of it stitched together. He wants _

**I want it to stop… **

_ No. _

**NO.**

_ He wants— _

**I want…**

_ He doesn’t know where the words are coming from, why he feels this way, what he means, but they come out anyway, messy and disgusting, raw hurt, raw pain, everything he’s ever felt compressed into his request: _

**I want to destroy all of it.**

_ More words— sounding like they’re coming from him but they’re not, sounding like they  _ ** _are_ ** _ him but they’re not, echoing around him, resonating through him, static, a building hum that swallows everything as everything goes from deepest black to brightest white _

** _You want to _ ** ** _destroy,_ ** ** _ little shadow. _ **

** _And I’ll give that to you._ ** _ _ ]

Ah. He was on the ground again.

Shadoc struggled his way back to awareness. His head— no,  _ every _ part of him hurt, phantom pains stinging from the memories, threatening to drag him back under. The indescribable  _ something-is-wrong _ feeling was gone now, the space it occupied instead filled with chaotic emotions and fragments of memories of the void, of the abyss, of the question and the answer. Of when he had been broken and desperate and had been given a choice.

The Abyss stood by and watched as, slowly, shakily, Shadoc got back to his feet. He lifted his head to stare it down, eyes burning with a fury he didn’t realize he still had. “ **You.** ” 

Its toothy smile was a wide white sliver splitting the featureless black.  ** _Me._ ** It took a step forward and Shadoc recoiled, fists clenched, letting out a soft warning hiss like a creeper’s fuse.  ** _I take it you remember now?_ **

“ **You,** ” Shadoc said again, voice cracking, trying to find the right words, “ **you— you’re—** “

** _I am the end-all, the be-all. I am the Shadowlands, I am the shadows, I am the void people like to fuck with. _ ** It spread its arms wide like it was putting on a show.  ** _I’m the Abyss, capitalization included. Now, let’s get to the point…_ **

Whatever Abyss was going to say next, Shadoc didn’t hear it. Static filled his ears, electricity burning under his skin, as his composure fell apart. The particles surrounding him whirled and flashed in erratic patterns like a fierce wind had kicked up; tiny yellow-white sparks flickered around him, as the resonating hum, like a power line, grew in volume until it was loud enough to hurt. Abyss lowered its arms back to its side as Shadoc yelled:

“ ** _YOU’RE THE REASON I’M LIKE THIS!_ ** ”

Once he started, he couldn’t stop. Abyss listened, impassive, as Shadoc kept going. “ **I can’t be around people because of you! I can’t live a normal life because of you! I’m constantly afraid of hurting my best friends because of you! I’m broken and scared of being thrown away because of you! Everyone’s going to hate me because of you! Everything that’s ever gone wrong ever since Stress rescued me is because of ** ** _YOU! YOU RUINED MY LIFE!!_ ** ”

Abyss waited as Shadoc hunched over, shaking.  ** _Technically,_ ** it said,  ** _Doc_ ** ** _ did._ **

Shadoc's fist impacted into Abyss's chest with enough force to send a weaker shadow flying and to knock a hermit to the ground. Pain shot through his arm and he gritted his teeth as he bore through it, then looked up at Abyss's face to see… nothing. No reaction. No indication it had even  _ felt _ it. He drew his fist back and punched again, then again, ignoring the pale yellow bruises starting to appear on his knuckles, until Abyss said  ** _Alright, that's enough_ ** and caught his next swing with one hand.

**_I gave you what you asked for,_** Abyss pointed out. **_It’s what I do._** **_There _****_were_****_ other options you threw out— _**

" **I d-don’t care,** " Shadoc hissed. His eyes were starting to sting with tears; frustrated, not wanting to show weakness, he pulled back and covered his eyes with one arm. “ **I… I was… I was at my ** ** _lowest_ ** **, I was s-scared and hurt and c-could barely— could hardly ** ** _think_ ** **, and you—! You c-c-could have helped me in, in, in literally any other way, you could’ve— and instead— you ** ** _knew_ ** ** what my power would do—! You knew what would happen!** ”

** _I didn’t._ **

Shadoc came to a dead stop, the rest of his words dying in his throat. The ever-present energy coursing through him dipped back down into background noise as his train of thought derailed into blank nothing and his anger slipped back under his control. When he lowered his arm and opened his eyes, Abyss was staring at him.  ** _Not in the way you think I did. Look, kiddo, I might be the most powerful force on this entire server, but I can’t see the future, and I didn’t have a whole lot of time before Doc summoned you again. The most I could do was hope you found a way to use it to get yourself out of danger, but everything after you left the Shadowlands? That was out of my hands._ **

The other shadow struggled with this new information.  _ Get himself out of danger…  _ If he tried hard enough, he could remember— back before Sahara, back before Area 77, back before Stress rescued him from the trap— that the trap had malfunctioned, somehow. That something had caused it to break. That something had stopped the mechanism from activating and killing him, and that something had caused Doc to investigate and find him.

…It had been him. It had been maybe the only good thing his power had ever done.

** _So, here’s my pitch._ ** The void vanished and Shadoc tensed up as he felt its hand on his shoulder again; it kept the contact light, but there was still the rhythmic drumming of fingers keeping him hyper-aware of the situation he was in.  ** _Your power’s not doing you any good anymore. You’re having second thoughts. You want something better… something that fits you more._ ** The weight of its hand disappeared only for Abyss to appear on the other side of him and sling an arm around his tense shoulders.  ** _You were pretty clear about what you wanted then… but I wonder what you want _ ** ** _now_ ** ** _?_ **

Abyss reached over and tapped Shadoc’s chest for emphasis. Instantly he felt his power surge, felt the electricity under his skin react, before Abyss withdrew its hand and he was jolted back to reality, dazed by the sudden rush.

** _I could give you something else. Something new. Or, maybe, what you wanted before. Do you still want it to _ ** ** _stop_ ** ** _? _ ** The darkness hummed as it pulled away and resumed its walk. Shadoc found himself following— no, it was more like he was being pulled along, one foot in front of the other, step by step.  ** _You could stop time. Hit pause, walk away from your problems, and no one could stop you. You don’t want to be _ ** ** _hurt_ ** ** _? You could slap aside any attacks thrown your way, say “not today”. You want to _ ** ** _escape_ ** ** _? You could walk through walls, never be trapped again._ ** It glanced over at him with that too-wide grin taking up too much room on its face.  ** _How does any of that sound?_ **

“ **I…** “ 

Shadoc planted his feet, willed himself to stop. Abyss kept walking, then noticed that he wasn’t keeping pace anymore and turned around to give him an inquisitive look as it waited for his answer. All of the options, all of the possibilities, all the potential rolled around inside him. All of those offers sounded tempting, but… 

“ **No. No, I… ** “

Shadoc wrapped his arms around himself, refusing to look Abyss in the eye and instead staring at a point on the ground.

“ **I… I don’t want a power at ** ** _all_ ** **.** ”

Abyss looked surprised.  ** _Are you sure?_ ** It stepped forward; Shadoc tensed up as it cupped his chin with one hand and tilted his head up to look at it.  ** _You’re strong, Shadoc. You could be _ ** ** _stronger_ ** ** _. You could have anything you ever wanted._ **

“ **But I don’t want ** ** _anything_ ** ,” Shadoc choked out. “ **I… I want… I want to be… I want to be a normal shadow. Like… like Murmur. Like Levia.** ”

** _Are you sure?_ ** Abyss repeated. Shadoc pulled away.  ** _No offense, little shadow, but you told me you were sure about the power I gave you and here we are now. _ ** He bristled a little, but Abyss continued as if he hadn’t reacted.  ** _Murmur’s a sweetheart, but he’s outclassed. Things are getting _ ** ** _dangerous_ ** ** _. You never know when you could need— _ **

“ **I’m ** ** _sure_ ** **,** ” Shadoc interrupted, willing himself to sound more confident than he was. “ **I… My… M-My power… all it’s done is hurt me. Is hurt my friends. H-How can I… how can I know for sure that won’t happen with any other power you give me..?** ” He shook his head. “ **I don’t ** ** _want_ ** ** to be powerful, I… I just want to be left ** ** _alone_ ** **. I don’t want to… to… to worry about things anymore.** ”

He stared at the abyss. The abyss stared back.

** _I’m giving you one last chance,_ ** Abyss said.  ** _Are you absolutely, _ ** ** _completely_ ** ** _ sure you want this? To be powerless? To give up the chance to be stronger than you are? Because I don’t know about you, but I think the time stop power is pretty cool— _ **

Shadoc straightened up, squared his shoulders, met Abyss’s eyes. He didn’t flinch, even as the world around him seemed to fade out and for a moment he thought he was back in the Shadowlands, in the void, in the blank nothingness where he’d first spoken to Abyss, first heard the words that would change everything for him. He stayed steady, stayed determined, and for once there was no second-guessing, no regret, no having to convince himself that this was what he really, truly wanted, because he knew it  _ was _ .

“ **I’m sure. Take it.** ”

He held out his hand. Abyss took it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fun fact: the powers Abyss offers Shadoc are actual possibilities that came up in the SPAU discord! minus the "walk-through-walls" power, which Solar suggested right before Sara came up with the idea of the redstone EMP thing. which led to me writing power surge! wooooOOO


End file.
